Log in

No account? Create an account

its easier to lie,

easier to lie.

Share Next Entry
I am very happy - something happened over the weekend that made me feel a lot of relief.

For a long time I wondered if leaving my ex was the right decision. About a month ago I even had a moment of weakness and wrote to him. But over the weekend I bumped into him in a club. I remember feeling remarkably different when I saw him. I think it was because it was then that I realised he was like everyone else that I had gotten to know. He was high and attending a circuit party - the exact kind of event he prevented me from attending early on in the relationship. I used to put him on this pedestal because he said he didn’t want to be with someone who frequented parties such as these but I’ve since learnt how much of a farce the relationship was.

But that isn’t even the point. The point is that because I no longer felt sad about the relationship or felt hung up over him I waved and smiled and went over to hug him. I always thought that when I did that I would feel this swarm of emotions rushing back to me because I would miss him or need him but remarkably none of that was true. It felt cordial but empty. It was then that it hit me how much I had moved on. It was then that I realised I no longer wanted to be with him at all. Sure I had happy memories that I can look back on but I no longer had any draw towards the guy.

It also began to dawn on me that when I had that moment of weakness a month ago it was because I was in London and missed my time there. I had persuaded him to move to a region of London I wanted to live in and had cultivated that flat to the specifications I had wanted. I realised that over time while I had let him go in my mind because of how dysfunctional he was I missed the comfort of the life I had built. It was no longer him that I was drawn to.

I thought back to the joys that I had in the relationship and I realised that many of those times were my own doing. I had designed so many happy opportunities and created my sense of happiness and because he had no prior experience of a relationship he was malleable enough to fit into my idea of happiness. This was why he was so keen on controlling me. On cutting me off from people, on trying to have me change my status on facebook to being in a relationship so that he could show he owned me, all these insecure little gestures to assert his ownership.

I always thought that I’d never recover from the relationship and that I would never get over missing him, but seeing him again was the perfect way of showing me that I have.

He and I were always inherently incompatible. He always remarked that I was different because I challenged him and I think in a sense that was the crux of the matter. I was always too obstinate and fiercely independent for him to control and it became a constant power struggle throughout the relationship. While he needs someone who is far more docile and submissive I will never be able to be the kind of partner who will ever fit that mould.

When I saw him the first thing I said to him was “I hope you’re happy now” and I meant every word. I saw him with his partner and knew instantly that that was the sort of life he needed. Someone who could subscribe to him without putting up a fight - someone who he could possess. I might have loved him but I was and will never be able to play that role. It was the first time we were both in love and we knew far too little. Now that I’m a little older and a little wiser from the relationship I know far more about myself, what I want from a relationship and the kind of man who is able to provide me with that. All I have to do now is to remain patient for the day he arrives in my life.

I finally get it, and I wish him all the best from the bottom of my heart. :’)

Your girl is lovely Hubbell.

  • 1

waiting for you..

he must be waiting for you.. (man u r destined to spend ur life with...).
just wait and dont do silly things....
and take away ur piercing!
u look fine without it!

It takes time to heal. But, i promise. It will pass.

Long time lurker first time commenter. I've been following your blog for about 8 years now ever since a few of my friends (some Singaporean and some who just happened to work in Singapore) said you were allegedly the Singaporean version of me (mostly when you were a shopaholic).

Anyway, I'm honestly shocked how raw and freeing this entry sounds. I know this sounds weird but after the great purge of some of your entries, I really felt happy for you since some of the tension from this relationship figuratively bled from the screen as I was experiencing the numerous times you were agonising on feeling lonely yet trapped in your relationship. This greatly affected me, as a long time follower who wasn't used to you feeling so defeated even though I couldn't relate to half of the things you experienced. Guess that's empathy for you.

I think the greatest lesson you learned from this relationship is the fact that you knew how important asserting your own identity is and how much you should love yourself because at the end of the day as some great drag queen said "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else...".

Anyway, wishing you all best now that you finally understood and grew from that relationship. Hopefully, this means a flood of happier entries after this.

thank you very much for this, i appreciate it immensely. i have been experiencing happiness again and it is something i am incredibly grateful for. it really takes a village - including supporters i might not be immediately aware of like yourself. :)



How do you call yourself Obstinate? Screaming savagely and fury toward Matt for dropping a piece of cutlery? Sabotage his job? Wreck his stuff?

Your evil not obstinate

  • 1