its easier to lie,

easier to lie.

I am very happy - something happened over the weekend that made me feel a lot of relief.

For a long time I wondered if leaving my ex was the right decision. About a month ago I even had a moment of weakness and wrote to him. But over the weekend I bumped into him in a club. I remember feeling remarkably different when I saw him. I think it was because it was then that I realised he was like everyone else that I had gotten to know. He was high and attending a circuit party - the exact kind of event he prevented me from attending early on in the relationship. I used to put him on this pedestal because he said he didn’t want to be with someone who frequented parties such as these but I’ve since learnt how much of a farce the relationship was.

But that isn’t even the point. The point is that because I no longer felt sad about the relationship or felt hung up over him I waved and smiled and went over to hug him. I always thought that when I did that I would feel this swarm of emotions rushing back to me because I would miss him or need him but remarkably none of that was true. It felt cordial but empty. It was then that it hit me how much I had moved on. It was then that I realised I no longer wanted to be with him at all. Sure I had happy memories that I can look back on but I no longer had any draw towards the guy.

It also began to dawn on me that when I had that moment of weakness a month ago it was because I was in London and missed my time there. I had persuaded him to move to a region of London I wanted to live in and had cultivated that flat to the specifications I had wanted. I realised that over time while I had let him go in my mind because of how dysfunctional he was I missed the comfort of the life I had built. It was no longer him that I was drawn to.

I thought back to the joys that I had in the relationship and I realised that many of those times were my own doing. I had designed so many happy opportunities and created my sense of happiness and because he had no prior experience of a relationship he was malleable enough to fit into my idea of happiness. This was why he was so keen on controlling me. On cutting me off from people, on trying to have me change my status on facebook to being in a relationship so that he could show he owned me, all these insecure little gestures to assert his ownership.

I always thought that I’d never recover from the relationship and that I would never get over missing him, but seeing him again was the perfect way of showing me that I have.

He and I were always inherently incompatible. He always remarked that I was different because I challenged him and I think in a sense that was the crux of the matter. I was always too obstinate and fiercely independent for him to control and it became a constant power struggle throughout the relationship. While he needs someone who is far more docile and submissive I will never be able to be the kind of partner who will ever fit that mould.

When I saw him the first thing I said to him was “I hope you’re happy now” and I meant every word. I saw him with his partner and knew instantly that that was the sort of life he needed. Someone who could subscribe to him without putting up a fight - someone who he could possess. I might have loved him but I was and will never be able to play that role. It was the first time we were both in love and we knew far too little. Now that I’m a little older and a little wiser from the relationship I know far more about myself, what I want from a relationship and the kind of man who is able to provide me with that. All I have to do now is to remain patient for the day he arrives in my life.

I finally get it, and I wish him all the best from the bottom of my heart. :’)

Your girl is lovely Hubbell.


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