new chapters are different from new beginnings. the former necessitates the end of a previous one and the progression to the next. more importantly, the former is an actual possibility. new beginnings, however, are completely different. they are constructed lies; our attempts at tricking ourselves into believing that we can start all over again with a clean slate. they are the chimeras of our hope - powerful but complete fantasy. i make this clarification because even as i find myself entering a new one, i am a far cry from the fresh faced soul i used to be.
i enter this new one a broken person. many people see brokenness as an excuse, some even perceive it fashionable, but they could not be further from the truth. being broken is a crippling disability that permeates the fabric of your existence. it haunts you in the dark, its seizes up on you just when you think you're free of its clutches, and it never ceases to be a stumbling block in your life. it's an embarrassment i've only recently been able to willingly admit, but i'm glad i've been able to because this way i can actually deal with it.
i'm excited, counterintuitively. excited because the past few months have taught me plenty and i feel like i am ready to take on the world. they've taught me to see the value in my own being. i might be strong when i have the support of a relationship but i am just as great being the sum of one. i dont need the validation of a relationship to see the attractive guy i can be. i dont need to rely on someone to feel the warm embrace of joy.
i definitely do not approach this new chapter with the doe eyed sense of adventure i once possessed but it doesn't mean i don't share the same sense of fervour. this renewed sense of anticipation comes from knowing that whatever i now encounter will stand less of a chance defeating me because i know what to expect. i am keenly aware of the pitfalls that i used to overlook and i will be damned if i let myself get complacent like i was before.
to say that i'm bouncing back would cheapen the experience because of the naiveté associated with the phrase. bouncing back up again doesn't just require picking yourself up and throwing yourself back into the fight. it requires lengthy post-mortems, evaluating the specific reasons why tragedy transpired. it took me some time, but it was worth it. it was arduous but i have my answers now.
all i ask is that all of you be happy for me, because i finally feel alive and ready again.