its easier to lie,

easier to lie.

colours and promises
i am starting over.

it's been some time but i think i'm ready again. what's prohibitively difficult is starting over without the weariness from the last failed endeavour. i've given myself ample time to heal and i've approached my brokenness with honesty and humility and i think it has worked.

i'm tearing as i'm penning this down. i'm tearing because i'm scared of how hopeful i am again. it's scary isn't it? just putting yourself out there all over again. going for the gold with someone who you're inevitably giving the ability to hurt you all over again. but that's my guard talking. there can be no gain without sacrifice afterall.

so here we go again, hopefully for the final time.

we hardly tend to have any control over the development of storylines that aren't our own. come to think of it, we sometimes don't even get the luxury of deciding how ours plays out. what i'm ultimately trying to put across in this convoluted mess of cognitive diarrhoea is that we need to learn to let the pain go.

i'm not playing victim to my storyline but it has become increasingly clear that peace is gleaned in the process of letting the hurt go. it doesn't matter if nothing changes, it doesn't matter if no one agrees. what does matter, is keeping your head up and giving love even when it isn't due.

leaving dysfunction behind only makes sense when you leave the negative emotions behind as well. i have decided to do that. i want to let it all go, and i want to free myself from my past. indeed, there is nothing to be gained from taking what's only going to weigh you down when you leave. i want to be honest and sincere about pulling myself up, and i will do so even if it comes at the cost of pride.

i want nothing but peace, and only i can make that happen. x

the straw that broke the camel's back
the camel had come to learn, as camels often do, that it was far from perfect. it looked upon its humped back with disdain; its eyes narrowing in on its bulbous nose that it assumed would always be a stumbling block to being loved by any owner. it by no means meant that it suffered from a crippling case of low self esteem, but it struggled and found it prohibitively hard to see the value of its, well, camelness.

the camel felt like it had been wandering through the desert for ages, for camels tend to have an inaccurate grasp of time. why was the camel wandering you ask - what was this camel looking for? you see, this camel wasn't like most camels. it had a precocious nature, quite possibly a culmination of hardship it endured growing up. it yearned for more than just a fresh drink of water, for physical thirst in the desert is nothing quite as dire as the emotional thirst for love. (the disappointment of countless oasis mirages it encountered on its journey certainly did not help).

the camel did have its fair share of camel owners who attempted to have it for themselves. they weren't all that bad, but they never seemed to quite quench the aridity of its heart.

one day, just as the camel was losing all hope, far away from a patch of barren sand dunes it called home, the camel met a man. the man was a novice at owning camels. he had dealt with camels before, but he never quite had one that he would call his own. the camel frowned upon the man's lack of experience but something in the man's eyes caught it's attention. maybe it was inexperience or maybe it was just "meant to be" - whatever the hell that meant, the camel thought to itself - but there was a sincerity and eagerness in this potential owner's eyes that it couldn't very well deny. after spending a few days with the man, it was won over and decided to make him its owner.

the camel grew to care dearly for the man, just as the man did for the camel. he was a gentle and kind owner, and the camel was more than happy to oblige him with its help. the camel blossomed in the love its owner showered on it and started to see its imperfections in a different light. its insecurities seemed to dim in garishness and the camel had never been happier.

from time to time the camel and its owner would encounter their fair share of disagreements. stubborn - as most camels are - it would be obstinate and refuse to budge especially when it felt like it wasn't given the proper care and attention it expected from the man. the man on the other hand - the novice that he was - was equally responsible for being unable to adequately deal with the camel's wants and needs. every time they fell out the camel would feel a pang in its heart. this pain that it felt would grow with every subsequent conflict.

the camel wondered whether a day would come when the pain was too much for it to bear.

(no subject)
Some days it's really bad and I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know what to do and I just keep feeling this tightness and it worsens and I feel tears streaming down my cheeks and I feel incapacitated and I feel like I want to run or maybe even jump but I don't because it's not the right thing to do and then I sit or lie on the floor and I feel helpless and I cry even more and then I tell myself I need the doctor but I don't actually make the appointment even though I need to so that I can attempt a PHQ9 to tell me what I already know to be true and I just don't want to face up to the fact that it's real and it's a problem that will resurface eventually and then I'm better and then I genuinely no longer need to see the doctor but then it comes back almost like it wants revenge for being beaten down and the cycle repeats just like the washing machine that I use along with ten million other cleaning tools that I think will clean out the mess but no it's inside and I log on to social media and it gets worse and I try to disappear but I'm still here being me and then I think more about the future and then it gets worse and then I try to count my blessings but there doesn't seem to be any and I feel guilty for being an ingrate and so I resort to vices but they just wither at my self esteem and my health and I'm back to square one

18 December 2014

hear hear
in a bout of stupendous news, my singlehood has come to a resounding end.
on hindsight that was rather misleading. no i'm not in fact engaged, someone just asked me to fill in the role of trophy boyfriend. (fine, trophy is just a fib on my part) BUT I'M VERY HAPPY, SO THERE.

Adamancy – there is much to be said about the need for it in a relationship.

There seems to be relationships (at least from experience) that are doomed to fail. I’m sure we’re all acquainted with the type – dysfunctional, precursory, perfunctory. But then occasionally we’re blessed with someone who is none of these. Someone who isn’t perfect – because no one is, really – but who makes you feel like you want to run that much further with them.

I’ve always told anyone who asked that I don’t believe in the concept of love at first sight. It’s an incredibly defeatist approach to life isn’t it? The thought that the only way for love to happen is to accidentally find yourself taking a nosedive straight into it. I am definitely of the opinion that while we might be blessed with individuals in our lives who have the potential to become great loves, love is almost always achieved by blood, sweat and tears. Love doesn’t come easily and it most certainly doesn’t come to the half hearted.

Which brings me back to the need for stubborn, unrelenting and almost blind faith if we want to achieve love. We need to be adamant about our quest for it and we should never be blindsided by setbacks. We need to want it right down to the depths of our souls and we need to desire it with all the endeavor we have in us. I for one have been quick to forget my own advice and I have admittedly found myself giving up because I feel like the road ahead is too long or winding. That’s wrong. That’s cowardly. That’s ultimately self-defeating.

There are times when I find myself kneeling and praying as tears are welling up in my eyes. Those tears – they don’t pool from a source of despair but of gratitude. I listen to the words tumbling out of my mouth and I find them saying thank you God, thank you for blessing me with him. Life has empirically and surely made me believe that God blesses us through people and any ounce of love that we experience can be traced back to God.

Our encounter might seem like the work of happenstance but I know better. I know because I have been yearning and hungering for you long before we met. You see, while I might not have known you I was praying to meet you long before that. It was a long wait fraught with arduous and painstaking journeying. To give up along the way would not just be ungrateful but I would also be bloodying my hands by throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

This time, this time I choose love.

what makes a man beautiful
he is beautiful when he has dimples that punctuate his face like it's a sentence that's got more to tell. don't forget his smile that is 9 parts grin and 1 part coy when he looks at you. or his strong arms that want to hold you close while he falls asleep. or even the meanders of his back - those sinewy lines that you trace in your mind when you miss him.

and then there's the authenticity of his passion for you that is the hardest to ignore. the fervour of his emotions that you can't help but mirror. the way he assures you - not only with his words - that it's your being and not your body that he is after.  the way he takes an active interest in what you say: how he wants to know every little detail of your life because for some incomprehensible reason to you it actually matters to him.

how he wants what you also want out of life. how he lets slip lofty projections of the future that you both think of but are initially too awkward to talk about. how he uses the word 'us'. how undaunted he is by worries you have over a future together because he knows what you share is stronger.

how it makes you want to cry when you think about how he saved you from the abyss you were fumbling around in until you met him. 

portia (about ellen)
"I used to think that the way to be strong was to be tough, I used to think that to be independent was to not need anyone but she… she’s taught me that the more vulnerable you are and the softer you are and the more you allow people into your life and into your heart the happier you are the more valuable you are to other people."

the right thing
i feel like in order to become a good person i have to make amends for the wrong i've done in the past? it's really tough cos i generally feel like there are all some people who still hold on to so much negativity when whatever happened happened way back when. but then again it's not really my place to say that so never mind. i have gone about apologising and seeking reconciliation with these people and some have been very forgiving which speaks volumes about the kind of people they are and I'm really appreciative of that.

i've internalised the fact that this might be misconstrued as selfishness on my part because it just seems like i want to feel better about myself. it's fine if people think that but i genuinely just feel like i've been going around shitting all over people thinking i could get away with it. and i did, but its hardly the accountable thing to do and i just think that if i genuinely want to become the kind of man i am to be that all this clutter needs to be first cleared.

i feel like i've had to swallow my pride with all these apologies i've been making and its really weird cos i've never felt like such a walkover before. is this what being nice and docile is like? i feel like i want to be a good person but not at the expense of being so bland and obliging i disappear, haha.

on a side note, renjie told me some scintillating news today which i will not let him forget for a very long time to come. florence is clearly where it's at hahahahaha <33


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