its easier to lie,

easier to lie.

what makes a man beautiful
he is beautiful when he has dimples that punctuate his face like it's a sentence that's got more to tell. don't forget his smile that is 9 parts grin and 1 part coy when he looks at you. or his strong arms that want to hold you close while he falls asleep. or even the meanders of his back - those sinewy lines that you trace in your mind when you miss him.

and then there's the authenticity of his passion for you that is the hardest to ignore. the fervour of his emotions that you can't help but mirror. the way he assures you - not only with his words - that it's your being and not your body that he is after.  the way he takes an active interest in what you say: how he wants to know every little detail of your life because for some incomprehensible reason to you it actually matters to him.

how he wants what you also want out of life. how he lets slip lofty projections of the future that you both think of but are initially too awkward to talk about. how he uses the word 'us'. how undaunted he is by worries you have over a future together because he knows what you share is stronger.

how it makes you want to cry when you think about how he saved you from the abyss you were fumbling around in until you met him. 

portia (about ellen)
"I used to think that the way to be strong was to be tough, I used to think that to be independent was to not need anyone but she… she’s taught me that the more vulnerable you are and the softer you are and the more you allow people into your life and into your heart the happier you are the more valuable you are to other people."

the right thing
i feel like in order to become a good person i have to make amends for the wrong i've done in the past? it's really tough cos i generally feel like there are all some people who still hold on to so much negativity when whatever happened happened way back when. but then again it's not really my place to say that so never mind. i have gone about apologising and seeking reconciliation with these people and some have been very forgiving which speaks volumes about the kind of people they are and I'm really appreciative of that.

i've internalised the fact that this might be misconstrued as selfishness on my part because it just seems like i want to feel better about myself. it's fine if people think that but i genuinely just feel like i've been going around shitting all over people thinking i could get away with it. and i did, but its hardly the accountable thing to do and i just think that if i genuinely want to become the kind of man i am to be that all this clutter needs to be first cleared.

i feel like i've had to swallow my pride with all these apologies i've been making and its really weird cos i've never felt like such a walkover before. is this what being nice and docile is like? i feel like i want to be a good person but not at the expense of being so bland and obliging i disappear, haha.

on a side note, renjie told me some scintillating news today which i will not let him forget for a very long time to come. florence is clearly where it's at hahahahaha <33

i'm leaving again!

i feel like i say that only too often, to a point it no longer holds much significance, but it does. and i know it does because every single time i leave i feel a gnawing sense of loss. its strange because in actuality all that's changed is my location even though it feels far more than just that. it always feels like i am forced to leave a part of me behind and over the course of the last few years i have come to learn the impermanence of being. my life has been in constant flux and it has become almost impossible to put down any roots. what's the point when there's constantly a countdown running at the back of my head till the next time i have to haul my ass onto a plane that's going to take me far away from whatever i've built.

i've also been on a mission to trim the fat in my life. i've been trying to remove all the people from my life who i feel are superfluous and who don't confer any value addedness. i think i've been relatively successful but the drawback is that i'm no longer inundated by company. which does not go to imply that i'm lonely, but it just feels somewhat... sobering to live a life that's this real. i used to hide out amongst throngs of people i didn't quite care about simply because it served as an enjoyable distraction to the challenge that is life and i think it came to a point when i realised it was just embarrassingly pointless. i've also come to the realisation that people who spread themselves too thin, or who fail to take a stand simply because they'd rather be liked by everyone have no place on my priority list. their cowardice nauseates me and the thought of spending time (the little that i have) on people like that just seems like an utter waste.

so many of the people who i care dearly for are all over the globe at any point in time and though i might not be able to be with them physically, it feels like i'd be cheating on them if i were to hang around next-best-alternatives in their absence. the fact that i've come to value my own time, not because of any sense of self importance but because i'd like to reserve it only for the people who i care about, necessitates that i do so.

i want to build my sense of joy from the ground up and i want it to be founded upon people who i love who love me back. i want it, for the first time in my life, to be dependent on variables that are reliable no matter what. i want to be discerning with the company i keep because honestly, so many of the people i know are far from desirable. i've come to detest self perpetuated dysfunction because it tends to reek of incompetence and failure and a lack of self discipline.

i definitely made progress on these fronts and it makes me so happy to be able to say this. i have the friends that are dear to me to thank for giving me the courage to make this transition. i genuinely could not have done it without you guys :) xxx

PS: of course special thanks goes to you <3 (you know who you are, since you asked why you're not mentioned hahahaha)

so what if play closed
i genuinely do not comprehend why people are depressing themselves over the closing of play. (i purposefully chose to use 'closing' instead of 'closure' because the latter might belie significance)

i get it. i get that jobs are now lost but for everyone else - why in the world are you moping? the end of an era? really? if play constituted a large part of your existence then i am incredibly sorry on your behalf. it was an enjoyable club. inclusive, affordable plus it never failed to provide its niche of cheap thrills. however, above and beyond that, to have any spiritual connection to the club is completely laughable. sure, you can moan about how you now have one less night spot to frequent on your weekends in singapore but there are countless more just begging for your patronage.

i've seen comments lamenting how its closing also marks the decline of friendships that were forged there. honestly, clubs are pretty much the worst possible places to make lasting friendships. most of the people who go to play aren't even friendship material to begin with because they're too young to even know how to spell the word. if you're finding it hard to keep up relations with these alleged 'friends' that you made in play then they probably weren't very good ones to begin with. making your remorse known over losing friends just makes everyone else abundantly aware of how blithely ignorant you are to what true friendship constitutes.

i know i sound really harsh and i am sorry if you feel offended reading this but i genuinely cannot stomach another social media status post grieving the loss of the club. get over yourself and on with life already. in the first place, there should be nothing to get over - how can anyone anchor their humanity upon the foundations of a night club? you must be frighteningly shallow to have done that. i don't claim to have all the answers but i do know that at the end of the day, each and every one of our lives has to stand for something more than perpetuating a stereotype.

find some meaning, go read eat, pray, love or something. just please, please stop behaving like the end has come.

New Year Resolutions
1) Get closer to God
2) Further mend and develop my relationship with Daddy
3) Be more prudent with my finances
4) Fall in love
5) Indulge in less procrastination with school, the gym and my relationships.

hello again God
i have missed you. its only too easy to lose contact with you with the distraction of life. i take you for granted and only call out to you when i find myself in need. but you're always there for me. you honour your side of the bargain time and time again and even though i am often unfaithful, you still find ways to show me that you love me. you're a fixture in my life and you deserve all the gratitude i can offer up.

i do want to be close to you. i want to constantly feel your calming presence in my life because with all the variables life throws at me, you're constant, ever unchanging and eternally dependable. thank you for ensuring everything works out for your good, thank you for giving me joy every single day of my life, thank you for always ensuring i never have to go through any trial or tribulation that is too large for me to handle. thank you for being so merciless despite my glaring imperfections.

draw me closer to you.

i want to feel weak
i want, more than anything, to be right back where i started. i long for the time i used to be fearless but vulnerable at the same time. i used to wear my heart on my sleeve, let my thoughts run wild and be completely uninhibited. however, time has wizened me up to the horrors of this world. my heart has since calloused itself with defence mechanisms and i now feel like i'm in a prison of my own doing.

i yearn for the gut wrenching, heart flipping emotions i once roller coastered myself through. maybe my time in the sun is over. maybe i've used up all the calling credit i'm allowed and no one can get through to me anymore.

the worst part is that i don't know how to deal with this. i don't know whether the onus is on me to change things (and if so i am genuinely clueless as to how i should go about doing this) or on someone else to make me feel like i'm living again. 

the truth about love is
see, the problem with all of this is that no one can take a look at anyone and see them for who they really are. this inevitably results in the mirage effect. people take a glance at the first impression i put forth and assume i am all vanilla but the moment they get closer they realise what an abyss of dysfunction my soul actually is.

what further perpetuates the problem is that i am more than comfortable with only letting on the best of me when it is quite essentially just a roundabout way of lying. it's only when i get tired of maintaining the facade that the cracks start to show and they ask me why i've suddenly turned cold. that question is unfortunately inapplicable because the aloofness i suddenly embody wasn't so much a paradigm shift as the unravelling of my true self.

i am incapable of care or concern. i am incapable of emotion. i've been cocooned by the tribulations of life into a hardened pod and unless someone has the strength to rip that to shreds with their bare hands, i will never be free.

new chapter
new chapters are different from new beginnings. the former necessitates the end of a previous one and the progression to the next. more importantly, the former is an actual possibility. new beginnings, however, are completely different. they are constructed lies; our attempts at tricking ourselves into believing that we can start all over again with a clean slate. they are the chimeras of our hope - powerful but complete fantasy. i make this clarification because even as i find myself entering a new one, i am a far cry from the fresh faced soul i used to be.

i enter this new one a broken person. many people see brokenness as an excuse, some even perceive it fashionable, but they could not be further from the truth. being broken is a crippling disability that permeates the fabric of your existence. it haunts you in the dark, its seizes up on you just when you think you're free of its clutches, and it never ceases to be a stumbling block in your life. it's an embarrassment i've only recently been able to willingly admit, but i'm glad i've been able to because this way i can actually deal with it.

i'm excited, counterintuitively. excited because the past few months have taught me plenty and i feel like i am ready to take on the world. they've taught me to see the value in my own being. i might be strong when i have the support of a relationship but i am just as great being the sum of one. i dont need the validation of a relationship to see the attractive guy i can be. i dont need to rely on someone to feel the warm embrace of joy.

i definitely do not approach this new chapter with the doe eyed sense of adventure i once possessed but it doesn't mean i don't share the same sense of fervour. this renewed sense of anticipation comes from knowing that whatever i now encounter will stand less of a chance defeating me because i know what to expect. i am keenly aware of the pitfalls that i used to overlook and i will be damned if i let myself get complacent like i was before.

to say that i'm bouncing back would cheapen the experience because of the naiveté associated with the phrase. bouncing back up again doesn't just require picking yourself up and throwing yourself back into the fight. it requires lengthy post-mortems, evaluating the specific reasons why tragedy transpired. it took me some time, but it was worth it. it was arduous but i have my answers now.

all i ask is that all of you be happy for me, because i finally feel alive and ready again.

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