- April 23rd, 3:26
i'm leaving again!
i feel like i say that only too often, to a point it no longer holds much significance, but it does. and i know it does because every single time i leave i feel a gnawing sense of loss. its strange because in actuality all that's changed is my location even though it feels far more than just that. it always feels like i am forced to leave a part of me behind and over the course of the last few years i have come to learn the impermanence of being. my life has been in constant flux and it has become almost impossible to put down any roots. what's the point when there's constantly a countdown running at the back of my head till the next time i have to haul my ass onto a plane that's going to take me far away from whatever i've built.
i've also been on a mission to trim the fat in my life. i've been trying to remove all the people from my life who i feel are superfluous and who don't confer any value addedness. i think i've been relatively successful but the drawback is that i'm no longer inundated by company. which does not go to imply that i'm lonely, but it just feels somewhat... sobering to live a life that's this real. i used to hide out amongst throngs of people i didn't quite care about simply because it served as an enjoyable distraction to the challenge that is life and i think it came to a point when i realised it was just embarrassingly pointless. i've also come to the realisation that people who spread themselves too thin, or who fail to take a stand simply because they'd rather be liked by everyone have no place on my priority list. their cowardice nauseates me and the thought of spending time (the little that i have) on people like that just seems like an utter waste.
so many of the people who i care dearly for are all over the globe at any point in time and though i might not be able to be with them physically, it feels like i'd be cheating on them if i were to hang around next-best-alternatives in their absence. the fact that i've come to value my own time, not because of any sense of self importance but because i'd like to reserve it only for the people who i care about, necessitates that i do so.
i want to build my sense of joy from the ground up and i want it to be founded upon people who i love who love me back. i want it, for the first time in my life, to be dependent on variables that are reliable no matter what. i want to be discerning with the company i keep because honestly, so many of the people i know are far from desirable. i've come to detest self perpetuated dysfunction because it tends to reek of incompetence and failure and a lack of self discipline.
i definitely made progress on these fronts and it makes me so happy to be able to say this. i have the friends that are dear to me to thank for giving me the courage to make this transition. i genuinely could not have done it without you guys :) xxx
PS: of course special thanks goes to you <3 (you know who you are, since you asked why you're not mentioned hahahaha)