its easier to lie,

easier to lie.

so what if play closed
i genuinely do not comprehend why people are depressing themselves over the closing of play. (i purposefully chose to use 'closing' instead of 'closure' because the latter might belie significance)

i get it. i get that jobs are now lost but for everyone else - why in the world are you moping? the end of an era? really? if play constituted a large part of your existence then i am incredibly sorry on your behalf. it was an enjoyable club. inclusive, affordable plus it never failed to provide its niche of cheap thrills. however, above and beyond that, to have any spiritual connection to the club is completely laughable. sure, you can moan about how you now have one less night spot to frequent on your weekends in singapore but there are countless more just begging for your patronage.

i've seen comments lamenting how its closing also marks the decline of friendships that were forged there. honestly, clubs are pretty much the worst possible places to make lasting friendships. most of the people who go to play aren't even friendship material to begin with because they're too young to even know how to spell the word. if you're finding it hard to keep up relations with these alleged 'friends' that you made in play then they probably weren't very good ones to begin with. making your remorse known over losing friends just makes everyone else abundantly aware of how blithely ignorant you are to what true friendship constitutes.

i know i sound really harsh and i am sorry if you feel offended reading this but i genuinely cannot stomach another social media status post grieving the loss of the club. get over yourself and on with life already. in the first place, there should be nothing to get over - how can anyone anchor their humanity upon the foundations of a night club? you must be frighteningly shallow to have done that. i don't claim to have all the answers but i do know that at the end of the day, each and every one of our lives has to stand for something more than perpetuating a stereotype.

find some meaning, go read eat, pray, love or something. just please, please stop behaving like the end has come.

New Year Resolutions
1) Get closer to God
2) Further mend and develop my relationship with Daddy
3) Be more prudent with my finances
4) Fall in love
5) Indulge in less procrastination with school, the gym and my relationships.

hello again God
i have missed you. its only too easy to lose contact with you with the distraction of life. i take you for granted and only call out to you when i find myself in need. but you're always there for me. you honour your side of the bargain time and time again and even though i am often unfaithful, you still find ways to show me that you love me. you're a fixture in my life and you deserve all the gratitude i can offer up.

i do want to be close to you. i want to constantly feel your calming presence in my life because with all the variables life throws at me, you're constant, ever unchanging and eternally dependable. thank you for ensuring everything works out for your good, thank you for giving me joy every single day of my life, thank you for always ensuring i never have to go through any trial or tribulation that is too large for me to handle. thank you for being so merciless despite my glaring imperfections.

draw me closer to you.

i want to feel weak
i want, more than anything, to be right back where i started. i long for the time i used to be fearless but vulnerable at the same time. i used to wear my heart on my sleeve, let my thoughts run wild and be completely uninhibited. however, time has wizened me up to the horrors of this world. my heart has since calloused itself with defence mechanisms and i now feel like i'm in a prison of my own doing.

i yearn for the gut wrenching, heart flipping emotions i once roller coastered myself through. maybe my time in the sun is over. maybe i've used up all the calling credit i'm allowed and no one can get through to me anymore.

the worst part is that i don't know how to deal with this. i don't know whether the onus is on me to change things (and if so i am genuinely clueless as to how i should go about doing this) or on someone else to make me feel like i'm living again. 

the truth about love is
see, the problem with all of this is that no one can take a look at anyone and see them for who they really are. this inevitably results in the mirage effect. people take a glance at the first impression i put forth and assume i am all vanilla but the moment they get closer they realise what an abyss of dysfunction my soul actually is.

what further perpetuates the problem is that i am more than comfortable with only letting on the best of me when it is quite essentially just a roundabout way of lying. it's only when i get tired of maintaining the facade that the cracks start to show and they ask me why i've suddenly turned cold. that question is unfortunately inapplicable because the aloofness i suddenly embody wasn't so much a paradigm shift as the unravelling of my true self.

i am incapable of care or concern. i am incapable of emotion. i've been cocooned by the tribulations of life into a hardened pod and unless someone has the strength to rip that to shreds with their bare hands, i will never be free.

new chapter
new chapters are different from new beginnings. the former necessitates the end of a previous one and the progression to the next. more importantly, the former is an actual possibility. new beginnings, however, are completely different. they are constructed lies; our attempts at tricking ourselves into believing that we can start all over again with a clean slate. they are the chimeras of our hope - powerful but complete fantasy. i make this clarification because even as i find myself entering a new one, i am a far cry from the fresh faced soul i used to be.

i enter this new one a broken person. many people see brokenness as an excuse, some even perceive it fashionable, but they could not be further from the truth. being broken is a crippling disability that permeates the fabric of your existence. it haunts you in the dark, its seizes up on you just when you think you're free of its clutches, and it never ceases to be a stumbling block in your life. it's an embarrassment i've only recently been able to willingly admit, but i'm glad i've been able to because this way i can actually deal with it.

i'm excited, counterintuitively. excited because the past few months have taught me plenty and i feel like i am ready to take on the world. they've taught me to see the value in my own being. i might be strong when i have the support of a relationship but i am just as great being the sum of one. i dont need the validation of a relationship to see the attractive guy i can be. i dont need to rely on someone to feel the warm embrace of joy.

i definitely do not approach this new chapter with the doe eyed sense of adventure i once possessed but it doesn't mean i don't share the same sense of fervour. this renewed sense of anticipation comes from knowing that whatever i now encounter will stand less of a chance defeating me because i know what to expect. i am keenly aware of the pitfalls that i used to overlook and i will be damned if i let myself get complacent like i was before.

to say that i'm bouncing back would cheapen the experience because of the naiveté associated with the phrase. bouncing back up again doesn't just require picking yourself up and throwing yourself back into the fight. it requires lengthy post-mortems, evaluating the specific reasons why tragedy transpired. it took me some time, but it was worth it. it was arduous but i have my answers now.

all i ask is that all of you be happy for me, because i finally feel alive and ready again.

kevin and scotty
Kevin: Scotty when I first met you I-

Scotty: Kevin if you're about to romanticise what we had just-

Kevin: I'm not that's the whole point. Because what we had, it was messy. We were hot and cold, back and forth, all over the place. But I wanna be back there with you. Because I wanna be honest about who I am.

Scotty: Did you tell Jason we slept together?

Kevin: Yes I did. Look, I know I'm asking way too much of you, but like I said, easy isn't all it's cracked up to be.

i ask myself how i stumbled upon this mess and the truth is i didnt. its a sorry way of evading a problem. to blame it on circumstance when in actuality it was entirely orchestrated by me is both pathetic and deceitful. so today i'm going to acknowledge it. i am going to face up to the fact that all this clutter and disarray was a long time coming. i'm going to finally open my eyes to the glaring fact that i have to get rid of all this dysfunction if my life is ever going to work.

i've accused those around me of denial when i've been guilty of the exact same thing. its terrible because i wish i reached this realisation earlier. it's too late now and there is nothing to do but pick up the pieces and move the fuck on. it's spilt milk and i have to live with the consequences of that. i am going to make the call later that will cement this decision and allow amends to be made.

i just feel so incredibly sorry. :(

getting on
people say life is beautiful because of love and hope but i beg to differ. it's beautiful because of its irreversibility. there is infinite gravity in every second that we simply are and that is just the most amazing thing. i have always wished for a chance to turn back the clock, to rectify the past with a simple switch and do what i could have, should have or would have. however, that's not how time works and i have learnt to deal with that. i have learnt to appreciate the finality of my actions and thoughts, to see them as ends in themselves and to internalise the fact that once lost, little can be recovered. i do take time to mourn. i revel in misery and wail in anguish for all that was but will never be again. and then i stop, breathe, and get on with life because nothing costs more than wasted time.

avoiding a crash
if you're in a car that has faulty brakes and due to an awareness of the laws of physics, you are sure a crash is imminent and inevitable, the only option you have to avoid it is to jump out. sure, you'll hit the gravel and you'll be in pain - maybe even break a few bones, but the damage done by that fall would be minuscule to what would otherwise happen. while this might be apparent in theory, it isn't the easiest choice either.

it takes an element of courage to make the leap. you wouldn't know for sure where or what you're going to land on as soon as your body hits the ground. you could find yourself in completely unchartered territory and that is enough to scare you. you could land on sharp stones that pierce the protective layer of skin, drawing fresh blood and ripping into nerves that send pain shooting across your body. you could land hard on your head, crack your skull, and never recover from that leap (of faith) ever again. even though you might have a plan of action in your head - of tuck, duck and roll - you've only played that out in theory and you've never quite implemented it in reality. what if this plan fails you? what if this plan of action still gets you injured at the end of it all?

jumping out of the car is a departure from your comfort zone. the journey that you're on might be one that you've been travelling for a long time. if such is the case, chances are you've been sitting in the car with the same playlist on loop. this has familiarised your auditory nerves and the associated neurones to the playlist and even though you might not have started liking it at the onset, the very fact that you've grown accustomed to it means that to suddenly stop listening to it would be a potential cause of discomfort. the abrupt end to the melodious tunes that have been sung over and over again to you by the speakers would feel jarring and strange. its worst if the playlist in your car stereo is the only copy you've got - chances are its not gonna be replaceable. even if it is possible to come up with another playlist that you eventually grow to love its going to take time and effort. you'd have to listen to a plethora of new songs, pick which you like best and then compile them into a list. then theres the issue of whether the different songs fuse together into a seamless playlist. some songs might sound lovely in isolation but they don't necessarily go well with others now do they.

you might feel attached to the car and it might hurt to think of how it's going to be smashed into smithereens. this might form a potential deterrence from jumping out of it. procuring the car might have taken loads out of you. you could have put in your blood, sweat and tears into getting that car and it might have come to mean the world to you. even though you know you have to do it to save your life, it still pains you to see all that input go to naught.

despite being aware of all this you still reach for the door latch and leap. you think to yourself that hopefully (because that's the only consolation you have), you'll escape unscathed.

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