eliseus

two people can never be entirely alike. i've been in relationships that embodied both polar opposites - individuals who mirrored me to a T and others who were vastly different to a point of incomparability. suffice to say both didn't work out and empirically, i'm inclined to think that in the union of two, the most potent combination for a fighting chance at a future is both a balance between the two and the willingness to accommodate.

i have just shy of another day more before i leave this place. before i have to peel myself off the moldings of this cramped space i've come so much to be a part of. i really couldn't ask for a better host, a more obliging environment or a more welcoming place. it terrifies me to know that after i leave we'll have three months between us. many things can transpire within such a span of time. it hasn't started yet i already feel its vastness starting to gnaw at me. but one can hold out, that's exactly why God gave us will power right? to know that all the self discipline to remain *faithful* is a necessity in the construction of something larger than one self. to know that despite the seemingly infinite geography between us our beings are intimately intertwined.

in light of the imminence of my departure, every waking moment holds a greater level of significance to me. i take extra care to remember the smell of your skin, the subtle severity of your voice, the silhouette of you hard at work. these are things i do not want to forget, these are the things - more important that anything physical you can give me - that i want to take with me as sustenance for the next three months that will be physically devoid of you. this is also why reality has kicked in. i find myself thinking about us with an element of renewed candor. i dig into the deeper recesses of my soul only to realize there are worries that were easy to ignore behind the cloud of infatuation and i plan on dealing with them in a rational mature manner so they don't become larger and more insurmountable than us.

the heat in the uk has become unbearable. not only does it feel like i've travelled all the way from singapore only to be faced with similar if not worst weather, but to my horror i didn't exactly pack in any summer clothes like shorts or tanks. its okay though, because we'll just make do by having a lazy picnic on the floor of your room. its nice actually, spending the last few moments together like this. no frills, no muss, no fuss. just us two. in my soul of souls i hope this holds out, so that i'll find myself doing exactly this for a long time to come.

oh the tragic fate that is your humdrum life
the mediocrity of your being
your laughable attempt at singularity
in the form of chameleonic superficiality

oh the tragic fate that is your humdrum life
purposefully controversial assertions
or a contrived string of sweet nothings
your passive aggression in a bid for attention

oh the tragic fate that is your humdrum life
denying the blatant color of skin
the pretense of a lifestyle
masking the hideousness of your soul

oh the tragic fate that is your humdrum life
the palpable stench of your inanity
an ultimate impossibility of feigned indifference
a culmination in essential evacuation

oh the tragic fate that is your humdrum life
the aftermath swaddled with lingering
the necessitous impositions
conversation akin to chilblain

oh the tragic fate that is your humdrum life
refusal to relinquish the breath of defeat
nothing more deeply gratifying
the movie of your drowning

getting my life back on track has been harder than i envisioned it to be and i have come to learn that its far easier being dysfunctional. being sober and alone is far less fun than just getting high on someone else's company but its a path i'm actively choosing for myself. i'm going to be better than this, just give me time.

i'm leaving soon for a long vacay of just under 2 months, will be in the uk followed by san fran, hopefully that much needed hiatus will purge me of my dysfunction. its way too difficult socially removing myself from the equation here in Singapore but i think being on the other end of the world will definitely help.

was speaking to a special friend today on all that's wrong with the circle we run in and i'm more than glad he agrees with me. i don't claim to be above it - or anyone for that matter, but it's come to a point where i just feel like it no longer holds any value.

it's not that i'm hurt or sore, i think its more the pang of disappointment that bugs me. i'm disappointed that i let things get this far, that i delved in it so deep i became more than a spectator of dysfunction but an active and willing participant. it's like i can no longer claim to be a victim of rape or of the situation because everything that's happened was consensual. it sickens me actually, to think i'm just like any other member of this self destructive cycle. what sparked this realization was the knowledge that with the removal of myself as a variable, everything had more or less returned to the way they were. i don't take issue with it - in fact i'm all for gregariousness, but it terrified me to think that that's what could happen to me if i stay too long at the fair. i'd cycle through people, getting increasingly jaded and at the end of it all i'd be back at square one, none the wiser, none the richer, bumming around the same few people weekend nights blind to the glaring pointlessness of my existence.

its not living when you go through the motions day in day out, where you repeat the same mistakes but just with different people. its not living when you smile and dance the nights away with people who are as if not more broken than you only to wake up feeling the same every damned morning. like i told my friend, i felt like i was stuck in a rut. in a self perpetuating rut that no one else seems to be aware of. its come to a point i no longer feel like its a challenge to find someone random to spend those few drunken hours with. but what's the point, really, when in the light of day i don't actually feel any remote sense of attachment to them? i try to convince myself i do genuinely care but its becoming too apparent that i don't. i feel excitement over the novelty of a new person to take my focus off things but at the end of the day, i can't quite be bothered whether they actually stay in my life or not. they're all the same! can you imagine that. feeling like you're just meeting the same person over and over again just with a different face each time? no wonder i get over people so quickly. 

then there's the issue of not having people of value within the circle. at the risk of sounding like a complete and utter snob its a rarity to find someone else who embodies qualities i can look up to or has a history of enviable success. i don't necessarily typecast people by their achievements but when all you have achieved is popularity among other individuals as laughable as yourself shouldn't you be ashamed? these people characterize themselves by what goes on in the dark under the influence of club smoke and all i can do is look upon them with disdain. there is so much more to the life experience than getting on in the circle. to me at least, there's being close to God, succeeding academically and in my future career, having a great relationship with my family, helping the less fortunate, etc. i don't claim to have achieved all of these but at least i know slowly but surely i'm getting there. that's how i back myself up in the face of hollow empty and pointless self serving individuals with nothing on their minds but getting on in the ranks.

i'm going to change things. slowly but surely something has gotta give. it's not going to be easy, but i know in my soul of souls i'm going to fight to save myself. i look upon my imminent departure for medschool with newfound anticipation. it's a much required injection of change and just what i need to pull myself away from what has become an abyss of ennui to me. cheers to my self rescue mission okay?

today was a great day. just got home from meeting joshua, the gym and a long massage that felt amazing. but those aren't the reasons why today was great. today will go down in history as the day i finally got rid of all my emotional baggage.

it feels amazing - to know concretely where my heart is and how i am now entirely free of any tie downs and lingering thoughts/feelings for anyone. i feel like the multiple conversations i had with past flings finally set everything in place. i feel like i've finally washed my hands clean of the bloody mess i reveled in the past few months. all that soul eating acid that was just clogging up my emotional system have been successfully purged out and i'm now a free agent once again. it feels so strange because i never envisioned i'd be this glad if ever i became truly single. it's been eons since i've been completely single and even when my status was as such it wasn't really like that? i was always involved with someone at any given point. i used to think i always felt this lingering sense of unease because i wasn't okay being 'alone' but i've come to realize it was because i hadn't laid my demons to rest.

last night and this morning i had the most blatantly honest conversations with certain individuals and i'm immensely thankful i pulled through. i would have caved midway and swept the problems i faced with each of them under the rug if not for the incessant self reminders that i had to deal with these things once and for all. but i didn't! and i'm so much better off now.

i feel like now that i'm fully devoid of all that weight i am finally able to love someone fully. to wholeheartedly be in tune with another deserving human being and to enjoy life's most beautiful experience together. so thank you God, for giving me closure. thank you God, for providing me clarity and much needed enlightenment.

:)

the red in my hair is fading, much like everything else in my life come to think of it. considering a new color - green? 

i know i'll probably get lots of heat from this but i really don't give a hoot about what anyone else has to say. i am going to continue on this path and even though i do not know what the end might be like at least it feels safe. i'm still young i don't see a point in considering opportunity costs in every one of my decisions because i have time on my side. i'm going to have fun with all i've got right now and only when life necessitates it will i start storing up for winter.

i like where i am, where i don't owe anyone a thing just as no one does me either. for now, this will just have to do.